When You’re Alone, Nobody Can See You Fuck Up

Part I
I was stuck in traffic on SE Powell Blvd, on the way to work. It was getting quite boring sitting there and I looked over to stare at the various crappy businesses alongside Powell. One store off to my right said something like “Platt’s Sign Company, Inc.” and in the window I noticed a placard that read “DMSO Sold Here.” Wow, that takes me back, I thought to myself. I’d forgotten about DMSO. In the early ‘80’s DMSO was considered some kind of miracle cure for cancer and all kinds of other things, by a small and loopy fringe of the population.
I mused about that for awhile and then noticed, in the same store, a small blue neon “Espresso” sign. Huh, they sell espresso there too. And right next to “Espresso” there was yet another neon sign that said “Budweiser.” I thought, now what kind of business sells espresso AND beer? And DMSO? What a weird business! I started feeling a sense of outrage: That’s really stupid! They just sell a ridiculous hodge-podge of stuff that doesn’t even go together! Jeez, that is so lame! What a STUPID business!!
And then I finally remembered: IT’S A SIGN STORE, you idiot!!

Part II
I used to live about three blocks from the grocery store. Sometimes I’d walk and get just a bag of groceries, other times I’d drive so I wouldn’t have to carry several bags’ worth home.
One day I drove to the grocery store, got some things, and then walked home. It was a sunny day, the birds were chirping, and I had completely forgotten that I had driven to the store.
I got home and put my groceries away. Then I hung out for awhile and listened to some music. I went outside and was all ready to drive somewhere, when -- oh my GOD! NO CAR!! My usual parking spot, right in front of my house, the place where my car should have been, was -- EMPTY!
“Someone has stolen my car!” I shouted to no one in particular, since I was alone (thank you Jesus).
I was a victim of crime! I’d have to call the police, they’d have to come over and ask me questions and fill out a report and everything!
I’m proud to say that I did, after some considerable reflection, finally realize that I had left my car in the grocery store parking lot. But it was a disturbingly long time before that happened, and by then I had seriously depleted what little self-respect and personal dignity I had left.
I've been running on fumes ever since.